Back to School

Here it is the first week of school and I'm a fuckin' wreck. 
1.  My oldest son and his fiancé moved out of my basement.  Awesome, right?  No.  I cried long and ugly. They have been here since April.  I have been counting the days.  They have a great job opportunity in Nebraska, which is awesome!  They had a 3 month lag time between when their lease was up and when they needed to move.  We offered up our basement and, unintentionally, our booze.  They have 2 dogs.  One is a cute little white one that drives me absolutely f'ing nuts.  The white ball of fluff, Cerberus, chases all the cats to crashing of lamps degree.  He poops everywhere he shouldn't, he does unmentionable things to Khaleesi (the other dog).  I can't even look at him when I catch him doing it.  It's that X-rated bad.  Khaleesi, who is now my dog because they left and she is still here.  My house resembles an episode of Tom and Jerry.  The barking, God help me, I have plotted their deaths.  They bark at everything and nothing.  God forbid, someone actually come to the door, not only is the barking cranked up a notch but, they immediately pee.  Yes, I was counting the days.  So, why am I such a big ol' bawl baby?  I don't know.  My emotions are confused. 

**Not only did they leave the dog and 600 dirty towels, they left a few boxes that they just didn't have room for.  One of which contained their underwear.  Lord Jesus, how do you move across the country and forget the box containing all your underwear?
    
2. I tried to put on a brave face to send Jesse off to his first day of 4th grade.  I don't think he bought it, though.  I barely got the required, first day back to school, Facebook picture announcing his grade, taken.  Here it is, his '3 hours after school' picture.
 

It's the first week and I already sent his teacher an email.  Immediately after that, an apology email.  What happened was, he came home announcing I forgot to buy a binder.  Oh, hell no!  No, I didn't!  I bought a binder.  I put it in the supply bag myself.  Which I hid in a closet to prevent anything from being misplaced or tore into.  I sent an email to his teacher asking if she had any idea where it could have gone and that it was white.  Yeah, I even mentally patted myself on the back for how nicely I suggested something happened to it at school.  After I hit send, I decided just to check the closet; knowing full well there was nothing in there.  There it was and it's black, not white.  I usually try to hide my nonsense until, like, February.  Not this year.  This year I'm throwing it all out there early.

I also bought him the wrong folders.  She wanted eight, 3-prong poly folders, two each, in blue, green, purple, and red.  Easy, right?  I bought the binder kind because some how when I read 'prong' my brain produced this image:

Instead of this one:

I've been doing this way too long to make this mistake.  The worst time to school supply shop is after school starts.  Target had nothing. It was ghost town, I saw one pink poly folder all alone in it's cardboard bin.  I high-tailed it to Walmart.  Fucking Walmart.  Last time I was there, I almost got in a fight with some dude in the deodorant aisle.  I did however, score the purple ones (and no fights).  Walgreens was the only other store in my little town.  I am sure it was because of my prayer to St. Jude (patron saint of impossible causes), that I found the rest of them -in a fancier more expensive brand.  

3.  Anna and I thought it would be a good idea for her to drive to school since she would be doing it on her own very soon.  There was one, "Brake!!  Brake, brake!"  Morning rush hour is dog eat dog and she did great.  Right up until we got to school.  She wanted to park instead of letting me get out and hop in the driver seat in the drop off line.  I said, "No honey, just go to the drop off-" as she slammed into a parking spot.

 "I just felt more comfortable parking, mom."  I went to get out and she had parked so close to the car on my side there was no way to get out.  Not even for someone shaped like Olive Oil. 

I clamored over the console and told her to take Jesus with her as she shut the door on me.  I sigh a small sigh of someday she will appreciate me.  I throw the Buick in reverse to leave and realize that I have to perform a 20 point turn to get out of the spot.  Not only that but, I am blocking traffic both coming in and going out of the school, but I'm kinda stuck, fml, right?  One guy flips me off and another lady is yelling something.  I had a thought of getting out of my car and getting into a fight, but luckily it was a passing thought.  I complete my 20 pt reverse and got the hell out of there.   

4.  My husband is out of town.  I am doing all this solo.  He is in Alaska which is great.  We lived there for 3 years once and he wants to walk down memory lane.  I'm, all, "No.  I can't."  I'm glad he's there, having fun and breathing that beautiful, fresh, clean air; taking in the sights.  But I am not.  I am in the trenches.  I'm sitting in carline for hours and forgetting trash day.  I had to clean up cat puke.  I'm running one kid to one end of town and rushing the other to baseball on the other.   Next week I actually have to be in two places at the same time.  I better find my cape.   Oh, and I picked a huge fight with him where I mentioned the D word.

Elementary carline.  The other looks almost exactly the same, except there are more trees at the high school.

I finally found myself self at the end of Tuesday exhausted and guilt ridden.  I have to get a grip.  I had yelled at the kids, gave up on the house and the husband, I would burst into tears at the drop of a hat.  I can't live like this.  That night after I prayed with the kids, I apologized for acting like a lunatic and we, me and the kids, strategized on how to make the next few days a little smoother.

With a box of underwear in my arms at the UPS store, I had an epiphany.  I'm not going to stress over any of it.  I'm going to try to take it all in stride and roll on through it.  We may be late, we may be dirty and crying, but we'll give it our best.

Emmy Lou...

 

Something In The Air

I think Mars is in retrograde again.  I cannot communicate, I'm off somehow.  It's not just with my people, it's everyone.  Which convinces me that it's something in the air.  I can usually chit chat with the best of them.  Make someone laugh.  Take my husbands ever changing schedule in stride.  Handle the kids.  Not this week.  Communication is not working and it's everyone and everywhere.  I'm going to spend the rest of this week being quiet.

Anna has her first runway show coming up at Dillard's.  Yesterday we went for her fitting.  At these things you just want to be nice and love everything they have picked for you.  While Anna was changing, I decided to charmingly chat up the ladies helping us.  Last weekend was tax free weekend and around here it's like Black Friday.  It's every woman for herself.  I have had this same conversation with no less than 10 other retail people and we all walked away laughing at the absurdity of it all.  Not today.

Me:  Were you guys busy this past weekend?
Lady:  No.  Not too much.
Me:  (I'm shocked.  Everyone has been crazy busy)  Kohl's was a mad house. 
Other lady:  Kohl's? (blinking at the lady as if she never heard of the place or tax-free weekend)
Lady:  It's cheaper...cheaper clothes.
Me:
(I have to say, she never heard of Kohl's, wtf?!  Was that a jab?!  I remain silent though, because Anna)
Lady:  Kohl's was busy (Not a question nor a statement)
Me:  I had (cough) Kohl's cash.
Lady:  (walks away)

This has never happened to me before.  I excel at idle chit chat usually.  I can usually at least get a smile. 

Anna and I head over to get an Icee.  I am completely impressed with the lady counting back change like we did in the olden days.  The guy in front me was less so, and makes her it count it again, she was a nickel short, but immediately fixes it, (I think she knew it as she had already reached for the  nickel slot.)  I interject with a joke I had used before, back when I was a cashier at B&N (counting back change).

Me:  If she does that all day the bottom line looks great at the end of it!  (laughing at my own joke)
Guy:
Cashier:
Anna:  (rolls her eyes directly at me and walks away)

Damn.

My husband, who last week I was frolicking around with in the pool, is also afflicted.  He's getting ready for a trip and no matter what I say it must sound like, "Well, damn.  You suck."  I am sure I have not actually said those words.  Why this is what he is hearing, is beyond me.  His work travel has always been a part of our lives.  Timing has really never been awesome, when you've been in the military, you are just glad it's not Christmas.  They teach you the hard way and early to put your expectations in the gutter.  I guess I am not sure what he actually said, because there is no way he said, "I don't get what is so hard."  My response regardless: 

Monday I quit communicating directly with Jesse because, I am ashamed to admit, we got him a phone, an iPhone.  In our defense the adult children are now on their own plan and we found ourselves with an extra phone.  Yeah, I know.  It sounds weak just typing it out for you.  He calls me, we FaceTime, we text.  He loves emoji's, so do I, it was fun at first.  Then he called while sitting right next to me.  Then he called me from downstairs and asked me to bring him juice and Doritos.  We discussed proper phone usage and I laid out the rules.  He quit talking to me as well.  I am completely unreasonable.  Now we just text.

Since he was 2 ft away from me I ask, "What did you just text me?" 

"I have no idea." 

"Well, I love you more than a million dollars too." 

"Yeh."

It wasn't, he texted me a sneeze.  A sneeze.  Then I heard him sneeze.

The videos were of Daisy (adult child's gf) and I watching the Olympics.  He was sitting next to Daisy.

On the vein of miscommunication, I have to mention the whole back to school shopping experience.  You know what it's like elbowing your way in for the last of the purple, 3 tab w/pockets poly folder.  You try to smile at people but also let them know you will take them down for that last white 1 1/2" binder with a clear pocket front.  My inability to locate a pencil sharpener and my rebellion in only buying one scissors had me say out loud, "This is ridiculous!"  He does not need 2 scissors.  He will have to keep track of the one.  The lady next to me heard me and suddenly wanted to have a full on discussion and coffee.  No.  No, Target shopper, I'm about to spend $1,000,000 in school supplies, I can't bond right now.  You should of heard me earlier in the week, shopper, I was ready to bond and hilarious.  That ship has sailed.

Being that it's only Tuesday, I think I am done.

Kongos...I don't know either, man.

These Are The Moments

Let's take a moment.  Let's take a second and enjoy those really good moments.  The good.  We seem to talk a lot about those other times, when your kids are being jerks or your husband is an ass.  I want to take a moment and share the good ones this past week.

This

He tied my jammie shirt around his head.

Driving lesson #159.  I was not terrified.

We talked about everything.  Every. Thing.

***If you are my mother or friends with my mother stop reading ***

Then on Sunday, by some miracle, my husband and I found ourselves home alone.  Alone.  No kids.  After church, where Father talked to us about vanity, we realized both of our kids had places to hang out all afternoon.  I asked Father to bless my new rosary and he also blessed me, which made me cry.  Why?  I can only surmise that it is time for confession.  That aside, I selfishly planned my kid free afternoon. 

I decided to take full advantage of kids not being home and sit by the pool.  Do nothing, clean nothing, just nice and quiet with no demands of "Mom! Look, watch this!" every 5 seconds.  I packed a cooler with some beer and some of Jon and Daisy's (my 20 something basement dwellers) watermelon Smirnoff things.  I grabbed my laptop, my music, phone and peanuts.  I also grabbed water because it just seemed like I should.  I was planning to be there for a long time.

I got down there and saw my plants were all thirsting to death.  I watered them and decided to make my husband's day.  I don't know what got into me.  I'd say the devil made me do it, but I was feeling pretty blessed.  I went topless.  It was so scandalous.  My husband has suggested this nothing short of 600 times, but usually there are kids and I'm not 20 or even 30 -it's a vanity thing.  I giggled to myself as I watered, glancing over to see if he noticed.  He was weed eating by the chicken coop.  I wish I could explain without sounding like a lunatic how very sexy this is.  Plus, he wore his fatigues.   

While I watered, that song by Georgia Satellites, Keep Your Hands To Yourself came on.  It suddenly dawned on me after all these years, he wasn't talking about three milkin' cows.  I thought he wanted to settle down on a dairy farm.  He was actually talking about getting the milk for free.
 

I didn't think he noticed as weed whacking is very consuming, focus is important.  I contemplated the petunias and how high maintenance they were and leggy, much like myself.  I took a moment to be thankful for the amount of privacy we have back here.  Oddly enough, in my scandalous state, I also reflected on the homily this morning.  I have good.  A lot of good. 

When all the sudden, here comes my man, pole-vaulting down the stairs, without a care in the world, completely naked.

Me:
Him:  What?
Me:  Holy...  What is wrong with you?  We were just at church!
Him:  What? (As if he wasn't standing there in his birthday suit)
Me:  It's Sunday for crying out loud!  The. Lord's. Day.  You need to cover up.
He proceeded to "cover" himself with his beer koozie.
Him:  He made me this way.
Me:  I...you....I don't think He intended...

He gets into the pool and suggests that I join him in this sinful behavior.  Sort of like Adam and Eve in reverse -'cept with beer and not apples.  No way.  I was already ashamed and half naked, I was not about to take a bite of that apple.  Except I did.

Long story short, it was a great afternoon.  We are actually going to change "date night" into "pool day".  If you visit, call first, we need a five minute warning -and never accept this koozie from us.

*I should say in all our sinning I got sunburned.  Sunburned where I should be sufficiently discouraged from Sunday desecrations in the future.  To the point where unless it's covered in aloe, I want nothing to do with it.

** Confessions are 4:00 on Saturday.  I'll be there.