The Pig Situation

Sometimes I feel like all I do is tell you about my kids and how I struggle with the creative.  Read creative as a noun.  It's a thing.  Like a pig.  This is my life though.  The kids and the creative and animals.  Recently, it has been particularly challenging around here, Anna, the teen, did something she shouldn't have. 

I'm going to say she fed the pigs.  Insert your favorite offense here, I don't want to sell her out too much but, be honest; we have all fed the pigs, or at least thought about feeding the pigs.  See?  Any crime works.

Me:  Did you feed the pigs?
Anna:  It wasn't like that, mom!
Me:
Anna:  So, what? I'm grounded?!?!
Me:  Yes.  Total lockdown.  No screens, no car, no nothing but a book and nature.
Anna:  For how long??!!!  Oh my God, this is not....!!!  Mom!  I was going to go see Nathan this weekend?!  Spring break starts Monday!!!
Me:
Anna:  Mom!
Me:  What you did was illegal.  You need time to think about stuff.
Anna:  It wasn't like that!!
Me:  Yes.  It was.
 
During this, my sister asked me if I could replicate this.

Yep.  I sure can.  I think...  I was nervous because I haven't worked with oils in a long time.  But I really have a thing for pigs lately since I saw this on fb.

I can't help it.  I see an animal and I need them; to hold them and name them.  My friends get it. 

I'm currently in negotiations with the husband.  He is not nearly as excited.

Husband:  We are not getting a pig.
Me:  I know.
Husband:
Me;  We are getting two, one might get lonely.
Husband:  No.  (walks away shaking his head.)

I decided to start on the pig for my sister, 'cause pigs are awesome.

Meanwhile Jesse and I are having a fallout over a math project.  He decided not to do it.  He decided to lie to me about doing it.  Now, by the grace of his teacher, he is getting another chance to finish it.  He will also have no screen time until it's done.  This makes me the meanest mom ever.  Ever of all time.  The. Meanest.

Meanest Mom Competition, over.  I win.

I love him, so I don't care, I'll take that title.  Math first, nice mom later.

Me:  What kind of mom would I be if I didn't get on to you about your math?  You are the one who chose to be dishonest about it and as your mom, I reserve the right to be upset about it.  What kind of mom would I be if I didn't say anything?
Jesse:  The good kind.
Me: (giving him the side eye) Someday you will thank me.
Jesse:  No.  I wont.

It should also be noted that Anna is walking round here pissed about being grounded for feeding the pigs.  When I say "walking" I mean stomping.  She is still in denial about her crime.  In her defense she saw an opportunity, but still it's not okay and I can't let up.  It seems like my kids bond the best when they are all mad at me.  It's kind of sweet in an anarchy sort of way.  They both give me the side eye, Anna actually takes Jesse's hand and off they go.  I am sure to discuss my retirement home amenities. 

Pig Progress.

The kids are still moping even though they have graduated to partial lockdown.

While I am doing this, I am wondering if I can add it to the Tonya Jean thing.  I mean it's not really my work, but I couldn't find the artists name on the Amazon deal....   I still don't feel right about putting my name on it, but damn, I'm half in love with him.  He was a ton of fun.

The pig is done.  TonyaJean now does replicas.  Contact me at tonyajean.net (the website still sucks and I am still working on it) I would be glad to be of service.

  I'm also half in love with Rag'n'bone Man.  I should make the kids download it. 

 

Anti-Aging? Let's Just Age

I'm sitting here in Starbuck's in what might actually be underwear and not yoga shorts.  Under Armour confuses me.  I'm killing time before hot yoga.  Why do I spend an hour 3 times a week in a 90* room with 20 other people in spandex, dripping sweat; as we get instructed on how to tie our bodies into impossible (yet possible) knots testing our balance?  Because I want to be healthy and look good.  More importantly I want to look good. 

As I wait, I read an article about the magical healing powers of coconut oil.  Wrinkles and eye puffiness disappear over night.  Well, hot dog!  I think, as I add it to my grocery list.  I'll buy it organic.  I'm sure it will be expensive but probably waaayyy less than the Murad stuff I'm currently using -and it's natural.

Women.  We are beautiful every last one of us.  In all our shapes and sizes.

One thing we do not joke about?  Getting older.  We take this very seriously.  You've seen what some women do to themselves with plastic surgery and shit.  Yikes.  I read an article about Countess Erzsébet Báthory de Ecsed, she bathed in the blood of virgins as part of her 'beauty regimen'.  The. Blood. Of. Virgins.  We are not fucking around when it comes to wanting to look younger. 

As I stand here after yoga, in front of my mirror, covered from head to toe in coconut oil, I realize am more fit to be lightly fried than getting younger looking skin, I decide I'm not going down like this.  I mean, fight the good fight but, let's not lose our minds.

Have you ever looked at the Hollywood before and after pictures and ever once thought, "Oh yeah, she looks much better now."  No?  Me either.  Men aren't off the hook with this nonsense either.

Mickey Rourke

  Even though my credibility is shot after running around town in what may or may not be underwear, I want to make a pact with you, my friends.  Let's agree to never insert anything in our faces.  Let's teach our children that beauty comes, truly, from within.  That a healthy diet does more for you than any surgeon can.  Let's stick with beauty regimens that don't include murder and for the love of God, let's go gracefully with actual clothes on.

I've watched this 50 times.  Not sure how it applies to the blog but I had to share.
Walk off the Earth