Older and Unruly

At a baby shower a while back, I sat in wide eyed wonder at all the new baby crap, feeling old.  I mean sexy, but older.  I really had a hard time getting into the joy of the diaper cake and the adorable tiny clothes.  I love babies and kids but I realized this part was truly over for me.  That baby boat has sailed and I sent it off with luck as I cracked that bottle of champagne on the bow.  Vaya con Dios.

Hostess (Asking with beautiful, blue, innocent eyes):  Tonya, your kids are older...what age do think was the hardest?
Me:  Hmmm.... (taking a minute, my kids at the time were 21, 14, and 7, I had a few years to think through) I have to say 16.
Hostess and party:  (Laughing)

They thought I was joking.  I wasn't.  Their kids are still young and adorable.  These chubby little cherubs can have their day made because you gave them the blue cup and put on Paw Patrol.

Look how sweet other people's kids are!  

The hostess asked us to write our best advice in a book for the new mommy, I was tempted to write, Don't teach them to talk but settled for Even if daddy does it different, it doesn't make it wrong.  They can't even imagine their adorable little babies going all anarchy them.

This adorable sleeping Superman...

became this handsome teenager...

that yelled,"Fuck you, Mom!" and punched a hole in my bathroom wall.  All because I refused to let him wear colors.  He was aspiring to be a gangster.  I saw a text that said, "I'm about to be a disciple with the Folks!"  Um, no.  No, you are not.  Go ahead, punch the wall, work it through; I'm going to Home Depot.

It is normal for teens to rebel and because of the whole growing brain thing they suck at decision making.  They buck authority and get off on law breaking and shenanigans.  Everything we say is ridiculous, as my daughter so often reminds me, or completely unreasonable, as in not letting Jon join a gang.

I happened to have a friend over during the "Fuck you, mom!" bathroom destruction/gang incident.  Of course, my kid has to lose his mind and get all unruly while I'm trying to have a nice coffee with a nice lady.  She asks me if I allowed this language and behavior.   I'm not sure what she wanted me to do.  Jonathan was 6' tall and stronger then me.  I was pretty sure a potch on the butt wasn't going to be effective.  So, now, the discipline varies with the crime and not always the same.  Sometimes I just scream and yell like a lunatic.

I find their phones to be a very powerful motivator,  sort of like a teen version of 'time out'.  I often give them more chores, like pulling weeds or cleaning baseboards.  And writing, I am particularly fond of making them think about the incident and write me a synopsis.  Sometimes it's just plain ol' fashioned repetitive rule writing,  I will not tell my mom to fuck off.  She loves me and wants me to grow up to have a better vocabulary.  

I think it's only fair to add that these teen kids are also allowed to have bad days.  They have a lot of stress and tons of shit coming at them every day.  Kids are mean, especially to each other, it seems.  When I recognize the bad behavior being related to stress or just them having a shitty day, I give them space.  I've even forced it on occasion.  I actually took the screen off my daughter's window,  told her to sit on the roof look at the night sky and just think.  She thought I was nuts as I took her phone and told her she was to sit there for at least 30 minutes.  Baby Girl took some time, got herself right and now often sits on the roof to think.  I had the fleeting thought of "Oh shit, I just showed her the best exit for sneaking out".  I had to clarify that this was a spot just for her, not her friend's or my friends' kids.  You just sit there alone with the universe and God.

Teens are hard.  They will tell you unsolicited that you look like hell.  They will point out every little thing that you miss say or miss step.  There are the few exceptions.  You may find yourself in a conversation with that mom whose teen is perfect.  School is great, they love their friends, they will probably graduate from college at 20, and even respects curfews and parents.  I smile and nod, saving my teen stories for someone else.  I can't help but think this mom is either a liar or delusional because this is not normal teen behavior.  It could be that I am just jealous.

Let's not judge though, because honestly, my kids didn't learn cuss words just from TV and school; they got 'em from me.   (I once got a note from Anna's teacher that said she called some kid a 'hell damn'.  I straightened her out over time, with examples on proper usage of both hell and damn.)  Erma Bombeck once wrote something about not judging other moms' because that is the moment the principal will call to say your kid just rode a motorcycle through the gymnasium.  I have found this to be true.

I am not going to tell you how to handle your teenager.  I'm going to wish you luck and offer this:  1.  Check their phones, regularly and randomly.  I know, I know, the whole invasion of privacy thing, whatever, it's bs.  My son was going to be a disciple and my daughter loves selfies -it's about that whole frontal lobe thing, not privacy.  2.  The less words the better, state the facts and get out -or stick 'em on the roof, whatever.  3.  Try to be consistent which, I think, is the hardest thing.  I just try to keep basic rules, basic consequences.  No lectures, lecturing is for long car rides.

I have no doubts this brave little fisherman will pull the same kind of crap.  

I'll be ready.

“For from this day forward his world can only widen. An existence that began in a crib, grew to a house, and extends over a two-block bicycle ride will now go even beyond that. I will share him with another woman, other adults, other children, other opinions, other points of view. I am no longer leading. I am standing behind him ready to guide from a new position.” 
― Erma Bombeck, At Wit's End


Here's a little Chemical Romance