The Girlfriends'
First there was the 500 texts about packing...
8 hours 3.5 hours
There were two rooms with queen beds and one room with 2 twins. Mrs. Jones and Sassy C had one and the Redneck and the Teacher had the other. Jersey and I got the twin beds. The first night, after Taco Boy tacos and beer, the Irish pub and catching up, I laid there in my twin thinking about how I really love these ladies. When suddenly, Jersey decides to lose her mind and go stealth mode. F'ing stealth mode on our first night? What the hell? This isn't a good idea. Number one reason, retribution. I'm sharing a room with her, if she goes all stealth mode on Mrs. Jones and Sassy C to scare the shit out of them, they may decide to get back at her. 'Her' meaning 'us'. I am a victim here.
Jersey (whispering): I'm going stealth mode.
Me (loud whispering): What?! No. What are you doing? You couldn't stealth your way out of a paper bag. Get your ass back in your bed!
Jersey: (giggling from an undetermined location)
Me: What the...?
Next thing you know, Jersey is army crawling across the hall. I put my pillow over my head and wait. 2.8 seconds later Jersey does that "BOO-AHHH-YAA" scare holler, you know the one. The whole place is suddenly screaming. Except me. I am under my pillow. Jersey comes strutting back to our room all proud of herself.
Me: You happy?
Jersey: Yes. I rocked stealth mode.
We await retribution.
The beach. Oh my goodness, I love the beach. Here is the view we enjoyed over coffee. It's a horrible picture and I am sorry about that.
I love the sand and the ocean, my problem was sharks. I felt like the ocean was I-95 and I was a McDonald's. You can't see them in my horrible picture but there were surfers out there and I was sure that at any moment there would be blood curdling screaming and a dorsal fin.
That first day the weather forecasted light rain and overcast. Which was how we managed to soak up only the most dangerous rays.
That first day the weather forecasted light rain and overcast. Which was how we managed to soak up only the most dangerous rays.
This pic hurt
The second day of beach it was well established that I was scared of sharks but too lazy to walk to the condo to pee. The Teacher, who grew up in the area, agreed to throw her body in front of me in the event of shark. FYI it is harder to pee in the ocean than you might think. First 'cause sharks and second it's colder than it looks. I tried to retain my badass ass card even after I lost my shit when seaweed drifted across my leg.
The Teacher taught me how to wave dive, that was awesome. At one point I said something about being a mermaid, but that might've been the Tito's and lemonade talking. Then the time I saved Mrs. Jones from certain shark attack. We went out to pee and then she started frolicking and floating, when I suddenly hear the Jaws theme song. I practically dragged her out.
Me: Let's go. We are done. Now. Let's move.
Mrs. Jones: What the hell...?
Mrs. Jones: What the hell...?
Me (as I lead us out of certain death): You are welcome.
We also got hit on by blue shorts Dave the douchebag and his pals. We must be smoking' hot. At first I thought they were just trying to mooch our beer, but then they stuck around. DD making crude and offensive remarks the whole time.
Douchebag Dave: Can I ask you a personal question?
Redneck: Yeah, but we probably won't answer.
DD: How big are your boobs? They are very nice.
Me (Turning my head to go back to sleep): You will never know.
Redneck (Turns her head to sleep): (Laughing at the absurdity)
This is the level of douchebagness we were dealing with. He messed with the wrong chics, though, 'cause Sassy C chewed him up and spit him out; it was great.
Douchebag Dave: Can I ask you a personal question?
Redneck: Yeah, but we probably won't answer.
DD: How big are your boobs? They are very nice.
Me (Turning my head to go back to sleep): You will never know.
Redneck (Turns her head to sleep): (Laughing at the absurdity)
This is the level of douchebagness we were dealing with. He messed with the wrong chics, though, 'cause Sassy C chewed him up and spit him out; it was great.
I have to mention 'Bojangles'. This is going to get spotty because we were drinking and things got a little fuzzy. First thing is, all women going out should have a code word. Code word for 'lets get the hell out of here' and it's not 'the babysitter needs us'. We realized this 2 seconds too late. What happened was, Mrs. Jones went to the bathroom and was gone a long time. We were sitting there talking to these random bar dudes who came over to our table. (We are smoking' hot.) We decide someone should go check on her. Trying to keep my reputation as a badass, I took the job. I find her leaving the bathroom and I said, "You were gone so long, we thought you got roofied." She says, "It was a ridiculous wait for the bathroom." We head upstairs back to the bar and I say, "We have 'friends' it kind of sucks." She heard, "We are in trouble because these guys suck." She gets in her invisible Wonder Woman jet tells me to stay put and that she will handle this. I am drunk and totally confused. Next thing you know, we are leaving.
What actually happened, to my vague recollection, was that our crew had no idea what Mrs.
Jones was talking about when she said we had to go because of the babysitter. They stared at her blinking. Mrs. Jones is a gorgeous badass and like 6' tall in heels. She was not screwing around. She insisted there was something going down very bad at home involving the babysitter. I'm not sure how that all played out but we ended up making Bojangles our code word. We used it often after that.
Jones was talking about when she said we had to go because of the babysitter. They stared at her blinking. Mrs. Jones is a gorgeous badass and like 6' tall in heels. She was not screwing around. She insisted there was something going down very bad at home involving the babysitter. I'm not sure how that all played out but we ended up making Bojangles our code word. We used it often after that.
Girlfriend's trip. You have to go. Our only stipulation was no cooking and we had an amazing weekend. Nobody complained, nobody argued, there was no bull shit. It was just us having fun, relaxing and taking a break from our regular lives. In appreciation of one another -individual quirks and all.
What the hell am I looking at?
Me: You know how I say I eat nails for breakfast? Not sure I can pull that off here. I am legit scared of sharks.
Redneck (looking at my over easy eggs and toast): You can't even eat a cooked egg.
Players Holiday
Female friendships are so important! This is hilarious - I also lose my shit in the ocean - especially seaweed ! Ewww... :-)
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