I Musta Got Lost

Here it is second week in January.  I was doing what I should,  reassessing my life and all.  Not just because it is the time of year for that but, honestly, I think I lost my way. I couldn't get my shit right.   I couldn't write a blog; designing the greeting cards felt like work...in a sweat shop.  I bought a "Live Happy" daily calendar hoping for zings of positivity -what waste of money that was.  This calendar and I have very different versions of happy.  January 3rd it suggested we cut back on drinking and bad habits?  Wth?  Friday it talked about emotional contagion.  Again, I'm like wth?  Apparently, we can "catch" strangers emotions.  Nope.  I can't, I really can't.  I can't even figure out my own emotions let alone some stranger's.

I'm going back to Barnes and Noble to find one with drink recipes and quotes from Mark Twain. I just couldn't get things right.  I think it started sometime around October.  Not only with this blog, writing my book and designing the greeting cards, but everything.

Writing my book and the blog has been sporadic at best.  My poor blog.  I didn't even do the last one.  I would sit to write and feel this pressure to be funny.  Holy mother of all things holy...I can't take the pressure!  I didn't write to be funny when I started, I just wrote to share.  But, then, when people started to tell me I was funny and they liked it....I took it very seriously.  I looked at my past blogs and I cringed.  Except for Monica's, hers was awesome.  My last one before that was about poop.  Dear God.  I wrote some recently but was afraid to share publically because they were too personal or what if it wasn't funny, or however the hell I talked myself out of it. 

Truth is that I forgot why I was doing it.  I have never worried too much about what anyone thought of me or my ideas. I originally wanted to share the experience and hopefully encourage someone else to do that thing they do in the midst of raising kids and living life.  Sharing; I truly believe this helps the human condition.  I mean except when tacos are involved, those I can not share.  

The art and greeting cards have me feeling like Rocky Balboa in the 8th round with Thunderlips.  I thought this was supposed to be for fun?

I was looking at all the cards and wondered when did it start feeling like work and I was under qualified?  I was pumping out greeting cards because I thought I had to.  I was listening to all the chatter around me saying they weren't good enough or that I should or need to have this and that card.  So, I went to work drawing all those cards they said I needed.  I Googled, "What cards do people buy?" and "Top 10 funny cards" ?  What the hell is wrong with me?  Designing cards just to do them?  That isn't why this started.  I am just starting out.  I am not Hallmark.  I just wanted to spread a little love and possibly give any extra to the Mother Theresa House. 

So here I am in a funk, no writing, no drawing, no happy calendar.  I went to yoga and Ilianna starts on about our chakras.  I have joked before about my chakra's being out of whack, but I did not think for one second that I was enlightened enough to straighten that out.  I get they exist and that I have no idea, I'm just trying to hold my pose.  Plus, I'm catholic, we don't really do any other enlightenment except Jesus, the angels and saints.  Many times during that practice we acknowledged our bright shining chakras.  That night I got hives.

I have never been allergic to anything.  I never had a reaction to detergents or pollen.  I thought for sure this was some sort of penance because I had betrayed my catholic side recognizing and envisioning my chakras.  Also, my internal voice is like 6 years old, so I scratched.  I scratched until I threatened to put mittens on myself.  All across my neck I felt itchy.  Itchy like I was trying to scratch out of my skin.  After much deliberation, I've decided it's my chakra's, I am sure of it.  My throat chakra specifically. 

This after yoga on Thursday, I almost didn't go 'cause it looks so bad.

I know because I googled it.  The throat chakra is blue which I learned at yoga, but it's all about speaking your truth.  I was gobsmacked.  I'm telling you though, I couldn't stop scratching until I did that ^ to myself.  Here it is, 5 days later.  I should've put mittens on. 

I truly believe that my throat chakra was freaking the fuck out.  I was sitting in church Sunday and Father talked about the 3 wise men from the east.  They followed a star to get to Jesus.  Just so you know, as catholics we do not believe in astrology, but the Magi studied the stars.  I know it's a stretch but if the Magi can follow astrological signs, I can envision my chakra.

And behold, the star that they had seen at its rising preceded them,
until it came and stopped over the place where the child was.
They were overjoyed at seeing the star,
and on entering the house
they saw the child with Mary his mother.

Let's be done with everyone else.  If you wanna write, write, if you draw, draw. Whatever your thing is, do it. Block the rest out.  I'm not equipt to figure out God, chakras and religion, but I am done with being told what I should or should not do.  Back to the basics.  Do you.  I'm just going to write, share and spread a little love.  Speak your truth.  That is all.

I'm going to give you two songs this time.  Rocky because that's where my heart is and the J. Geils Band  'cause that's where my head is.

Our Lady of the Rosary in Greenville for your spirit

90 Degrees in Greenville to get your chakra's right
The rest is up to you.